If you want to understand relationships at an ELITE level, then this podcast is for you!
We covered:
- The struggles couples face when balancing professional drive and intimacy
- How relationships are the proving grounds for your own personal development
- Going deep on our personal experiences and the lessons learnt
- Managing stress and becoming an elite communicator
- Practical tools and takeaways for you to take into your own relationships straight away.
This podcast, was, wild!
Big love,
Corey
Find Charlie on Instagram here: https://www.instagram.com/charlieowencoach/
FREE Mindset Webinar: https://www.coreyboutwell.com/mindsetupgrade
Join The Community Here: https://www.coreyboutwell.com/communitymembership
Make sure you listen to the podcasts all the way through to get your discount code.
If you want to understand relationships at an ELITE level, then this podcast is for you!
We covered:
- The struggles couples face when balancing professional drive and intimacy
- How relationships are the proving grounds for your own personal development
- Going deep on our personal experiences and the lessons learnt
- Managing stress and becoming an elite communicator
- Practical tools and takeaways for you to take into your own relationships straight away.
This podcast, was, wild!
Big love,
Corey
Find Charlie on Instagram here: https://www.instagram.com/charlieowencoach/
FREE Mindset Webinar: https://www.coreyboutwell.com/mindsetupgrade
Join The Community Here: https://www.coreyboutwell.com/communitymembership
Make sure you listen to the podcasts all the way through to get your discount code.
So when you can implement these skills into the relationship, then you start to motivate your partner and then you become great, rather than that massive first step that keeps so many couples stuck. ["the Last Steps of Life"]. Charlie, thank you so much for coming onto the podcast. Pleasure brother Now I'm excited for you to be here and ask some questions that I have in regards to relationship conflict. Aren't you oh yeah, spicy subject? Yeah, because I know you teach this and I know you were really good at it. You were a partner like going nuts on it. You're the guy to go seeing for content.
Speaker 1:In regards to conflict in relationships, what's the conflict that you've gotten in recently in your relationship and how you dissolved it? Oh, I think something I fall into the trap of is doing too much work and not switching off. Like me and I work together. We build a business together, we're the best friends, we're intimate together, we're housemates. We're all this together. We wear so many hats in the relationship and then we're working really hard on our business at the moment and it can get to 9 o'clock at night and we're still wearing the hat of business partners and we're like, oh God, we need to take this off sometime so we can actually have sex every now and then, because we can't have sex when you're talking about spreadsheets and content and stuff. So that's something I fall into. So just not making the effort of that and consciously just continuing to do work because I feel that's important, and not actually stepping back and being like, ok, what actually do we need to work on right now, rather just continuously doing the business owner. Take out our hat off and actually work on the relationship. So that's something we get into all the time. I can imagine You're like bang. That email wrote was so sexy. That's ball play in the middle. That email was so hot. I love that. Short people on that Easter clock set there that really gets me jocky. Oh my gosh. No, I really like that and I think there's a lot of people who can relate to that, especially being able to take that hat off.
Speaker 1:Is there anything you think that predominantly male or women? Is there one of the sex that find it more difficult to switch off? Yeah, definitely men, I find, because a lot of the issues with men is they're not present in their relationship, their brains always thinking about the future or worrying about the past, and if you're in your head. You're that you need to be in your body. The only way you can be in your body is your brain being where your fear is.
Speaker 1:So men, a lot of the time, never feel like they're doing enough, never feel like they've accomplished enough, never feeling good enough, maybe. And it's all these things that constantly make them live in the future rather than being present. Because they want to provide so much for their girlfriend right, they want to provide financially, they want to provide a house over their head, they want to work, work, work. But maybe all your girlfriend wants is to spend time with you, is to be present with you, but you're trying to give her love in the way that she maybe doesn't want to receive it. You're trying to give her love in the way of working hard and providing, but maybe all she wants is to spend time with you. So I feel like men struggle most with it. Yeah, I think it's like a show that relates to that. It's like it's an attachment to that outcome, because a lot of guys go like well, the whole reason that I do play, as you mentioned, I'm doing all of this is for you, and that's like an attachment, as you mentioned, to a future outcome which is like no, I'm providing value and it's going to come soon, we're going to get there sooner. When I finally get there, then I'll be the present guy that you want Exactly.
Speaker 1:It's always living in the gap and the gain, right? Yeah, incredible book. People live in the game. People live in the gap of comparing themselves to the ideal and always chasing that ideal, where it's a horizon that just keeps on moving. You'll never actually get there. So people live in this fantasy of when we do this, then we'll be this. And there's this constant co-ord contract they've got going on. It's like when we reach this thing, then we'll be happy, then we can spend time together, then we can buy this thing, then we can go out for food together. It's like you need to bring that now and look at the gain of how far you've come and actually be present in your relationship, rather than always thinking that you're not doing enough. Right? Oh, 100%. Otherwise, you just yeah, the gap's a terrible place to be, yeah, and this is a source of all unhappiness. Yeah, so, yeah, it's just the worst. So how did you?
Speaker 1:I'm curious in terms of what were some of the things that you overcome that led you, especially within relationship that led you to being like, oh shit, I've got a medicine here and I really want to teach it, and how did they land? Yeah, so the whole fascination around the relationships that I've been teaching other people was I was in a seven-year relationship. I then came out of that and I really had to find myself again and then, looking back at that relationship and seeing how many blind spots I had, how I was acting, how I was creating all these problems, I was like that's so obvious. Now, looking back, I was doing a lot of work, a lot of personal development, a lot of reading, a lot of meditating, and looking back at those experiences, I was so unaware of that stuff and now, looking back, I'm like a bit embarrassed. I feel like it's a good thing Because you're not embarrassed if you pass, you know, growing, so teaching other people that as well, because people like so much self-awareness around what's actually going on in their relationship, how these patterns are being created.
Speaker 1:So that was the main thing just giving people the tools on how to bring more awareness to your relationship, to see the patterns that come up, because now, even now, we move through days and there's conflict that comes up and it's like oh wow, that's something else I was unaware of. I didn't know I was doing that. So every single day, we're growing right. Every single piece of conflict we have, we're growing and that's the switch. Like, every relationship has conflict in some way. Some people avoid conflict and that's a form of conflict in itself, right, that's a good way of putting it. It's so true.
Speaker 1:Yeah, just not having those tough conversations scared of confrontation, that's conflict in itself, Cause you're sweeping things under the rug and what happens over a long period of time? It'll blow up, right. Like, imagine holding a beach ball under the water and you're just pushing it down and eventually it'll blow up, right. So, having the skills to actually approach those difficult conversations, talk it through, so nothing's being swept in the rug and it does blow up into something massive at the end of it, right? So that's the tool I feel like I give to a lot of people.
Speaker 1:How would you encourage or recommend someone if they're fed in the snow? They're like okay, I switch it under the rug, I hate talking about this shit. Or like, if I wanted women who were like I really want to talk about this and I don't know how. So probably a strategy for the men and women to be able to think like what's the way of being able to approach and bring up like a hard conflict conversation? Yeah, rule one on one don't do it in the heat at the moment. Nothing happens when you're at super heightened emotional state.
Speaker 1:So you need to have a relationship check in every single week if you feel like you're sweeping things under the rug Cause so often people don't actually talk. They just go about life, they turn into roommates, they turn into just friends after all and they fall out of love, right. So you have to have relationship checkings, keep your standards in a relationship, and this is a 30 to 60 minute start every single week in your calendar where you can actually sit down and go through what's going on, your expectations for the week, what happened last week, what did I do that made you feel up to appreciate it, all this stuff right. So it's really important that, if you feel like you're sweeping things under the rug, that you actually make time every single week in your calendar as a non-negotiable, that you do actually talk and sometimes you feel like you're fine, like there's nothing to talk about, we're great. Then you have a relationship check. You know like, oh, there are some things that came up actually.
Speaker 1:So it's so important every single week, set time in your calendar. We have a safe space to actually talk. You're asking a question, they're asking a question, going back and forth, and then not judging, not interrupting, not reacting. Can you sit there and hold yourself and not have to react to everything they say, not get defensive? So, yeah, that's what I'd say just get that relationship, check in on and go. Yeah, so true, and I think, like an objection that people could have to that one is like oh, it's like, but why? That's another thing. There's so much time here, there's so much time there spent and like. I think in regards to that, well, I like to hear your opinion on it.
Speaker 1:The second is I'm like or if you want a high quality relationship, especially in like 2024, 2020s plus, like whatever it is, it's like we're living in the age of tension. So if you're not giving it attention, you're gonna lose it. And if you're somebody who doesn't value relationships and doesn't value relationship, then don't be in one waste of time. But if you're someone who does value the relationship and wants a lot of like, you gotta do it. Yeah, if you, on a great relationship put the effort in a lot of time and it gets easier over time as well.
Speaker 1:Like at the start it might be effort to continuously do those things. You're not great at talking with each other. You're having conflicts still. You're avoiding things, you're getting defensive criticism, judgment all this stuff's going on. And then over time you actually get better slowly, slowly, slowly, until eventually you can't even remember being like you used to be. Remember you just get defensive about this if I was insecure about this. Remember this used to trigger me so much. Remember when you, if you followed a guy on social media, my heart would drop into my stomach and I'd feel like shit, are we? And I wouldn't tell you about that because I'd avoid it for ages, because if I brought it up then I'd be needy. Like all these patterns play in our relationship, right? So actually start bringing things up. It becomes so much easier over time.
Speaker 1:And if you don't value your relationships, you're gonna live a side existence, because relationships is the core of everything else, right? Like we are meant for a sense of belonging with other humans. So if you don't work on that, how do you expect to get better at that? But this is why I think personal growth is so powerful and it's so important Because, like, regardless of what you want, if you like on the entrepreneur journey relationships, you wanna run a team, manage people's staff, it's like there's your own personal development. And if you wanna be successful in a relationship, regardless of love, that there's your personal development. Every relationship's gonna like reflect something back. You wanna be good in team sports or even individual sports, you're gonna learn so much about yourself. It's like. I'm like that's why a personal development is so important. So it's like every relationship and I'm not sure if you find this, I'd like to hear you take on this it's just like Some people like using relationships with one person.
Speaker 1:Like what I found is both people are dedicated to their own growth and relationship. It's like the best thing ever and you're both so supportive of each other right, but if one person's growing in dedicated personal work isn't, things can be a little bit tough. Do you come across? Yeah, 100%. When people reached out to me asking for help in their relationship, it's now the two people's gather. It's one person.
Speaker 1:Person one has noticed this pattern in the relationship. They want to change. Person two is unwilling to change or will do it unwillingly A lot of the time because there's so much friction when people want to improve their relationship. Let's go from zero to one A lot of the time. Okay, cool, step one convince my boyfriend to go see a therapist with me. Like holy shit, that's such a big jump. So people don't make changes in their relationship because of that a lot of the time, because there's such a big jump between zero and one and a lot of people are unwilling to change and that's such a big fear, like my partner will outgrow me, and that happens so much. So when someone starts to grow and this person is unwilling to grow, then the only option for this person is to come down to this level. If you want to stay with that person, if he's not willing to meet you at where you're at, then you have to make a decision right.
Speaker 1:This is something that happened in my previous relationship where I was growing in one direction. I was really valuing starting a business person, development, all this, and then she was really valuing piling and going, traveling and staying in backpackers and stuff like that. She wanted that lifestyle and we try to make it work for so long because we're pretty anxiously attached. So he was like holding on, holding on holding on. Then it got to a point where it was so painful and we were so different that separated and so many people hold on too long to a relationship when they know they're absolutely growing apart.
Speaker 1:Well, what percentage of people that reach out have that problem? Two, I feel, like eight out of 10. Well, yeah, a lot of the time, like so often, the woman reaches out. It's like I need help. My boyfriend's doing this. I experienced that all the time Because I wasn't making content around relationships for men. I was purposely making it for men and then 97 people have followed me and messaged me for women. It's like women are more receptive to doing the work and seeking that first step. Have you found that? Yeah, big time. We have a lot of people, because obviously I did listen to this channel before. I like to run men's community, so we have a lot of people.
Speaker 1:I would say like 10% of our sales are partners buying it, like women buying it for their partners and because they're like you guys are just resistant. But I do find there's a really gross taste in men's mouth of I've seen a psychologist or I've had to go see a psych. It's like there's really submissive feeling and then yeah, it helps and yeah, it does good. But also just the feeling there it's a bit different. When they go like, why join this fucking men's group? That's sick, yeah, so like there's like a little bit of a different like taste in the mouth there. And if someone has gone and seen a psych beforehand, then they're like ah, I'm gonna do more of this Because I was gonna be like a psychologist. I was fucking up. Yeah, the same job, so that's like a regular.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so often people make that meaning. Like if I go to a therapist, that means I'm broken. Like that's the meaning people make. Right, if I work on myself, that means I'm broken. It's so reactive. You wouldn't do that with your personal health, would you? You wouldn't go to the gym once you've had a heart attack, once you've got diabetes. You wouldn't wait till that moment and then work on yourself. But so often people are reactive. They wait till they're depressed, they're suicidal, they've got anxiety to the point they want to, they can't leave their house or their marriage is about to have a divorce. Okay, now it's time to reach out and ask for help, rather than being proactive and actively doing it first. Yeah, it's like, because I've always said, going to the gym is high G because I'm like in a fiction mood. You add a few things else and I just had a moment like personal development is high G as well, because you clean, you're tidy, like the energy feels good, you're growing, you're something you can attract and that's what makes us happy as humans. Right, growth, it's us progressing and a relationship is made up of two happy people.
Speaker 1:People forget that, right, it's like you need to work on yourself, on your own, and also the relationship. So there's two aspects. Right, there's three entities in a relationship there's you, there's your partner and the relationship. All three need work separately, right? Yeah, exactly, and it's like as soon as you're missing one, it's like, ah, you're gonna face some shit. So what? Like I'm curious, what are some other symptoms that you see that are like really common, that happen in the relationship? Dynamic like symptoms of like problems when things come up?
Speaker 1:I think defensiveness is a huge thing and describe what defensiveness looks like. So if you are being defensive, that means you feel the need to defend yourself, which means you're under attack from something, usually your partner. So if you're feeling the need to defend yourself, you see your partner as a threat or the active, like something they're doing as a threat. So you feel the need to defend yourself and fight back, and then that creates that us versus them, two egos going at it, one wanting to defend themselves, one attacking, one trying to control the other person, one judging the other person. So this is defensiveness, right? Rather than realizing you're both on the same team and actually regulating yourself.
Speaker 1:Seeing people can act from triggers and that's not a personal attack. A lot of the time they're acting from the triggers, they're acting from the wounds. They're trying to control me this way. They're trying to do this and not seeing that as a personal attack is such a skill to develop. But people get defensive. They react to whatever criticism comes their way. So sorry, that's really good, okay. So what is the actual skill? Is it like emotional regulation? Yeah, regulating yourself. So when someone comes to you, if your partner comes to you saying you're not doing this enough, could you do this more? Instead of fighting back and blaming but I did this and you did that, then actually can you regulate yourself and see what's best for the team right now rather than what's best for me in this fight? How do people do that? By realizing you're on the same team by dropping your ego.
Speaker 1:I always say there's four phases of a relationship. There's that honeymoon phase where it's like in fatuation, you only see the good. Right, you just in love with the other person. So much epoxy toasting, gunning you brain whatever happens. And then phase two is the comfort phase. It's not feeling the same as it used to feel, things are different, we're getting triggered, we're not going on as many date nights and then you can start to only see the bad in people. And then healing and growth is actually realizing you love all of them and you accept all of them.
Speaker 1:Because a long time people don't go from the comfort phase to the healing growth. They say this relationship obviously isn't working, I'll go to the next one. Or they try to go back to the honeymoon phase rather than facing their own shit and going through the healing and growth, falling in love with the other person, realizing you're a team. Stop trying to change the other person. Yeah, people try and change their partner so much. But when you realize you're two separate people and you can love them for who they are rather than who you want them to be, you stop trying to control, judge or criticize them. You just drop all that stuff, right, I just had the best downloaders who were saying that what is it?
Speaker 1:It's like the scary part for people in that fourth phase, as you were mentioning, about the scary part to people why they go to somewhere else or why they sabotage a relationship or whatever is because it's like if I love someone for all of their shit, then they have to love me for all of my shit, and if I have to oak in all my shit, it means that, like I'm vulnerable, weak and can truly be hurt and that's like scary, the threshold to get across. Yeah, it's like that was like that for me. Yeah, vulnerability is so important because you want to experience the depth of the human experience. Right, there's no point playing at the surface, there's no point in the pabbling call playing around. You're a big boy now, you're an adult.
Speaker 1:Like experience, the whole range of the human experience. There's a lot of time. There's like the good emotions here, like joy, love, peace, ecstasy, all this stuff, and then the bad emotions, like embarrassment, fear, shame, hurt, guilt, grief. In order to experience the depth of these side, you must be open to experiencing the depth of this side, otherwise you're never gonna fully experience it. I'm scared to feel these emotions. So you'll never experience these emotions, but once you can be fully open with your partner, you get to experience all of it, right?
Speaker 1:So how do both things like do that? How do they? How have you seen? Or like awareness around, like really being able to for lack of better words like open yourself up or willing to like be hurt Cause? What I see for the men that I work with is like some people would just like. For the elite people that I work with is I'll just stand and look, is they'll like grow because they're happy growing at like a level, but they're not truly getting out of their comfort zones. They're like well, I'm good. I mean, I'm not great, but I'm really good. They're for everyone like. For everyone else around there, it's like symptoms of drugs, alcohol, video games, netflix, not asking for pay rises, all these different things like that Like. The question is they'll just like, they'll just lean on that instead to to put it somewhere else like all that energy, yeah, so what was the question in that? Yeah, so the question is how can people like really open up, like allow themselves to, to open this like within a relationship, dynamic, open themselves up or like feel like a willingness to be hurt, cause it's just that you need to feel the depth of the emotions. So it's like how does someone commit themselves to be able to do that? That's it, right, the commitment.
Speaker 1:First step for everything, every level, is a decision. I'm going to make this work. I'm committed to this relationship. I want to see us grow. I want to be a team. I want to make this work. I want us to experience the whole depth of the relationship, right?
Speaker 1:So many people are living in shitty relationships, like life is so short for that. So first step is the decision to actually do this. And then everything in life is a sale, right? You want to sell your partner on the idea of having this relationship where we're both open, where we're both willing to work through our own shit. So number one is the decision. And then it's awareness, right, having awareness whenever something comes up, instead of reacting, instead of thinking you're broken. Study yourself like a scientist. Just realize this stuff's coming up for a reason Like what do I get to work through now? Cause you can't work through something that you're unaware of. So once it comes up for you, you're like I get to work through this now. So, once it comes up, you get triggered, you regulate yourself and then you discover where it came from, like a root cause, something in the past caused that, and then you actually openly communicate with your partner, usually in a relationship checking that we mentioned earlier. Yeah, I love that, cause that makes it so simple and actually practical and you can do it.
Speaker 1:What's some of the things that you haven't learned that have been awesome, that you've learned some things about yourself or your partner. That's been like whoa For me to like a check-in or just like one of these conversations, like breaking through one of these things, just how, like that is okay to spend so much time together, nice, and just the affection level of always be with each other Cause my partner's always worried like that. She's clingy in a relationship. She's clingy, she wants to be with me all the time. And then we realize like that's not a problem unless you call it a problem, like nothing's a problem unless you call it a problem, and this is the cool thing you have. So it wasn't causing a sound. We spend like a lot of time together. We're always reassuring each other, affectionate. We realize that both I'm just so attached, so that way is really important. So, yeah, I just feel like the don't call it the need, but the want to spend time together all the time, and that's okay. You can be best friends with your partner, you can be business partners, you can wear all the hats in your relationship. So that's something cool.
Speaker 1:I realized before everything was so segregated. It was this is my business, this is my health, this is my relationship, this is my social circle, but everything gets to be one. So that's the biggest thing I'll ever reckon. Whoa, that's actually sick. How did that come around? Just slowly, opening door, like letting down the walls, our vulnerability, relationship check-ins, working through the triggers overtime every single day. Recommit to your partner every single day. Now we're gonna work through stuff. Now we're a team. Anything that comes up, bring it up, don't sweep it under the rug. And then, overtime, the compounding effect of that you got no more shit right. And then all of a sudden, another piece of thing like another piece comes up and you've got more to grow in and like. A relationship is the greatest personal development you'll ever do. You're gonna face yourself so much. Your partner's gonna be the biggest mirror for you. There's only so much personal development you can do while you're single. When you get in a relationship, that's when you see if it actually works, cause they're gonna reflect things back to like everything that you don't like about yourself will be shown in that relationship. So you get to work through that. Hmm, I feel like that.
Speaker 1:Like a real hard part I could find to let go in is like allowing your supporter, your partner, to support you and hold you accountable. I know that it's okay and if they do, you haven't failed. Yeah, a lot of memory cover, right, yeah, well, especially me, you were the same thing. I had that same thing. It was like really like sort of hard to receive. Yeah, Like the support stuff coming over. It's fantastic, it feels nice, right, every new partner can hold you.
Speaker 1:You don't have to show up as anything. Sometimes you don't have to be strong, like in those moments where you can just relax, there's no expectation, like that's so nice. Sometimes, oh, yeah, it's recharge-ing and it's like that one little bit it's just gone like poof. Yeah, it opens you up. Like the next day you wake up like cool, I'm ready to go to get it. Ah, yeah, I don't like so much energy. Yeah, nah, I love that. That's really cool and what out of like I'd like to know like a story that you may have had when you like come to the realization of, holy shit, we actually get to do everything together. Because, from, like my example, there are some people that did this, but I like it when my heart was clinging, or I'm like, I like this, I feel like I'm wanted. Yeah, this is like great for me. Like, please be more clinging in a tash. Like I love it when you are so like, have you got like an example or a story when I sort of started to click view?
Speaker 1:Yeah, so me and I, as soon as we met, we started mapping our goals together and business was always separated, right, we both wanted to work for ourselves, be able to travel, make keeps of money, and it was always in our own stuff. So she was doing digital marketing, she owned a marketing agency building that. I was building this coaching business over here, and then slowly, slowly, we started to go closer and closer. With that. It's like helping each other, having business meetings together. She was helping with marketing stuff, I was helping with coaching stuff.
Speaker 1:And then all of a sudden, it's like wait, what if we do the same thing? Like we're both super passionate about relationships. We've got the image of being in relationships and then let's put that together. She's got such great marketing skills. I've had a lot of coaching experience, so we're just putting that all together and that's how we're like is it a bit toxic if we work together and keep the relationship together? And it's like I don't know. I guess I'm going to find out and then ask me words.
Speaker 1:So well, and yeah, just, you get to speak about it so much. You're part, you and your partner are doing completely different things and there's only limited things to talk about. Right, because a lot of people go to work and then when they come back together, it's like the last thing I want to talk about is work. What else do we got to talk about? I've been in work all day, but when you can actually build a business together and have so many common interests, there's so much more to talk about. Well, and like, yeah, I get that, I really get that. And then, like, I'm assuming like a conversation is to be like a little more deeper as well. Yeah, because you'd have, like your conversation about work and then it would lead into, like you guys talking about each other on your own boards as well.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because you throw things onto the relationship and the Honeymoon phase is so easy, right, everything's easy going. And then you add moving in together on top of that and like ooh. Then you add this is real commitment on top of that Brings up more shit. Then you add building a business together on top of that. Then you add having babies, then again married and all this. So adding all these things onto a relationship will shake the boat a bit, will rock the boat and things will come up and then you get to work through them.
Speaker 1:So adding a business into our relationship has definitely brought things up for us so good. Like what, what does it brought up for us. Self-reflective there, my need to control came up, my need to micromanage, my need like I felt more judgment towards me. Yeah, that was coming up for me. So I had to drop my ego in that sense, like it's OK for her to bring her talents and expertise into the thing. It doesn't have to be this way. Just because she does it a different way doesn't mean it's wrong. That's something that came up and we felt the need to control the relationship. Me, yeah, all the time. Yeah, yeah, I'm simply a control, unnoticing that as well. Yeah, having to like own it, that was actually a huge thing. I wasn't sure we were going to make it. When we went to Japan and I told her, there's a lot of it come up, because we spent almost every single day together for a while and then when we went to Japan, we were spending every single day together again.
Speaker 1:And then all of this, like because Kom and I both have like a bunch of traumas, so like our traumas were just like rubbing against each other and then, like it come up and I was just like what's this? Oh, come on. But I was like, oh, yeah, I do this microcontrolling. And I remember I was like, oh, because I denied it for so long. And then, like she really highlighted to me and I was like, yeah, I do all that, I take responsibility for all that. I change it immediately. And then she was more angry about that. She was like and now you're running into her? And I was like, yeah, should we be having you do like? No, it's like true. And I was like, ah, yeah, it's true. Shit, yeah.
Speaker 1:And then I felt sentence right, yeah, rather than trying to deny it what they have to try and tell me here, rather than be reactive and be like I'm not in the wrong. It's like, oh, maybe I'm controlling my relationship and, most in fact, she still loves me. Yeah, so I'm just like down and thinking that she's not going to leave some traumas coming up about her going. She loves you, she likes it. Yeah, when you can create that solid rock in your life over a relationship, knowing your partner will love you through all of it they love me, every side of me. Like wow, that's such a secure base you get to create the rest of your life in. You get to go out in business knowing you are such a strong backing in your relationship. Your energy is focused towards business, towards finance, towards health, because you've got such a strong, strong base in your relationship. Right, yeah, I love that.
Speaker 1:And especially like I'm like adding on to that little bit is like even some of the stuff that I've told Chloe's just some of the darkest, dirtiest shit. I've been super promiscuous and I'd like, oh, she's had enough to tell Chloe and like she's like cool or like I have to do something. I felt shamed around this memory that I hadn't had like a like hadn't remembered it in a long time, but I had to tell you something to get on my chest, because I need like feminine forgiveness and she's like I'm good to give. Oh, those issues, yeah, so good, I needed that for so long and like, just having that there is like wow, I really feel like I can be all of me and I don't have to hide fucking anything. And yeah, that can be like so honest. It just feels best.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so many men are walking through their life in this backpack full of shame. Yeah, that's good. My good experience. Yeah, so it's like take the backpack off. Like shame can only exist in the dark. As soon as it's brought to the light, it dissipates. Once you're loved for those things that you want to tell shame over it dissipates. And that's the greatest thing about relationship. You get to bring all that stuff up and you get to work through that shame. You get to take that backpack off. Yeah, it's actually, and it's so good because, and as well as like the more the shame that you open up to and lead into first like your partner gets to as well, and then you both get to actually do your healing together and do the reassuring together as well, because I find like sometimes I just need the words and like, hey, I'm back, what are you doing so fine? Wow, I didn't even know. That's been on my head for like months. It's been affecting how I perform in everything like business, how I shop for friends, how I shop leading my team. It's not going to be an asshole for a female just going to need to tell her some little bit of shame. That'll be fucking caring.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and people have so many covert ways of telling their partner something they want to tell them, so they go around the block to try and tell them. Yeah, burning them even more around them, being emotionally brave and actually telling them straight up how you feel. You have all these different ways of going around the block and trying to tell them the thing it's like if your partner starts putting on weight. It's like hey, babe, have you gone to the gym today? Hey, babe, jump this for breakfast. Like all the way around for months or years, and they're like all you need to do is say, hey, babe, I think we need to work out what. Yeah, literally I get way more turned on when we're working out more easily, rather than going around the block and scared to offend your partner. Yeah, that's the biggest thing People are so scared to offend their partner. Yeah, that's a really good point.
Speaker 1:I feel like people project that their partners are weak because they're insecure. So they're like I'm not going to tell anyone that thing because I have this weakness in me. And if I tell them something, then they're going to reflect on me back. So I go to like deliver it in it. Yeah, if I can't hold it, then I'm going to be able to hold it. Yeah, but they can. Yeah, I'm doing 10 out of 10. Not other than 10, they can. Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1:And as a man in a relationship, your job is to expand your container, make a strong container to hold your woman right so she can actually be expressive and she can tell yourself. A lot of the time women want to express themselves to their partner and a lot of the time it doesn't make sense because it's emotional, right. And then she comes to a man with an emotional problem that he tries to fix it with logic and then all of a sudden she doesn't feel heard. He's like what the fuck is she on about? She's like doesn't make sense, and it just goes back and forth.
Speaker 1:But you have to regulate yourself as a man, like how much can you hold when woman's expressing yourself to it, even though it doesn't make sense a lot of time, like, can you just hold that and let her express herself? What is in your perspective? What is holding it? Look away Like if someone was listening to this and they're like oh okay, I want to hold, that's sick. But how do I do that? And how would you describe my holding when she talks? Let her talk. Instead of reacting with all your insecurities. Don't feel the need to be defensive. Just hold it in the sense of letting her talk, letting her say things, letting her spot your weaknesses without trying to react. The bone, yeah, all right as this. Crazy. Because, because a lot of guys, when they have that bit to feel it being attacked, yeah, there's always coming at me just a bad yeah. And sometimes they do need to get that off their chest and there is something being highlighted.
Speaker 1:Maybe your partner doesn't have the skills to communicate it in the right way. She doesn't know how to do, like a feedback sandwich where she says something nice, something negative and then something nice. Maybe she just fires from the hips and tells me something. Can you actually hold up? Can you realize they're working? They're operating out of trauma or triggers or insecurities, rather than seeing as a personal tackle, as I'm. Hmm. So do you think that's like one of the like main problems in is like how I've always this one of like the main problems would be Like actually communicating and accepting feedback.
Speaker 1:Mmm, 100%, emotional regulation is one of the best skills and relationships, because that's when all the arguments get worse, that's when you dig your hole, that's when you say things you don't mean, that's when it just gets even more nasty. That's when your girlfriend can't forgive you for something because you said something. It's like can you actually regulate yourself? Think what's best for the relationship rather than reacting out of not wanting to be criticized. Have you said anything nasty? Do you ever come feel, oh, I'm gonna say I can't imagine you as, like, a nasty guy. Yeah, it's really the lead jet.
Speaker 1:Then do you know, like is that meme of two chihuahuas and they want to get their last back in, so they're going away from each other having a Back? Yeah, it's like that. Like, oh god, I want to say something. I want to react like I know, I know I'm writing this argument and she's wrong, but it's like what's best for the team. Can I swallow my ego right now, but sometimes it just feels so good to just tell them what you think and tell them what's on your mind. It's like, actually you're wrong. I create this door in my head. I'm like she needs to hear this so that she can be better. Hmm, like that, this story that I have in my head of like she needs to eat is actually doesn't hear it, we're gonna die.
Speaker 1:So we invest communication right, like eight percent of communication is non-verbal. It's through your word, it's through your tonality, your actions, and a lot of times they can take it something else. They can interpret your actions as something when you meant something completely different and a lot of men feel the need to Defend themselves in that sense of like. When she took it this way and she's expressing herself, a lot of men Buy backs. They feel such a deep need to defend yourself Rather than actually listening to your pattern. So there's so many ways where emotional regulation is Needed in your relationship to actually work through your stuff so it doesn't come out in the future. I feel the tips and how that much they're really like.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so a lot of things people blow up about is stress, not being able to deal with their stress. It's that beach ball under the water ready to blow up. As soon as someone cuts you off in traffic, you blow up. Assumes a girlfriend criticizes you, something, you blow up. So it's like how can you deal with your stress? And that's something more. On a task you actually work with a lot of men. How do they Deal with their stress? Like, regulate themselves, all the stress from finances and work and relationships. How can they do? Regulate himself? Good question.
Speaker 1:You nailed this before when you mentioned that men had to get out of their head and into their body, like, from your brain, get to your feet. This is what like. Because there's one missing link that we can't teach online, which is why we created the retreat, the next level, so that people can be like, essentially so exposed to this that matter. What happens is so much like what you like. Like it just stretches your capacity to Really emotionally regulate. So so like some tips that I have in regards to that is it's like it's really body-focused. So they say, for example, I'm like this and you're calling, and then something happens when we wait, when he made it and she didn't like my tone, and then she reacts and we meet.
Speaker 1:Oh, you know, whatever it is, and I'm just a back and forth and we start going back and forth like that, the way that I encourage people emotionally, regulators want to take confidence in balls. You know that's. You know it's only teachers like, okay, they'll be willing to be hurt, but I'll come and face, open my whole body, literally, like this, and I just go Okay and like literally as if I, as if I'm going to hold her, like I open my whole body up, my palms are open, you can see the inside of my arm open my legs, yeah, and like I'll just stand and stare like in, like in the face, and just be like you know I'm fucking here, yeah, like bring it. Yeah, it's almost like a bring it. But, like you know, hold this, no matter how many triggers, cuz yeah, I get really triggered, like I get mad, I get hit Responses like yeah, I've been really blowing up here before because my fucking, just trauma that I've had, like the moment other people I've been used to, I would say verbal violence, so like that's a pattern of the trait that I have to, like a dragon, that I have to stop myself from doing every now and then Come down.
Speaker 1:Oh my god, so sorry for that and so on. Aware of it all the time from Timberlapons, yep. So that is one is like the skill of being able to do this. The other one is when it starts bubbling up in my chest is the first thing that I do is I just say you motion, and I'm feeling, in the calmest voice that I can be, that I'm feeling so angry right now. You know that I'm holding back from bullying. Hmm, be super honest. Yeah, about it, the thing I need to do. And she really knows like no, you get five ten minutes. Like just reminding you again these five ten minutes, yeah, I'm about to blow. Yeah, I can't take anymore. My cup is Full with this. I need to come down. So that's like ways that work for me. There's obviously other different ways. Yeah, specifically, but having the being stretched before and gives me the ability to do that, because I've never been, I've been stretched, like I have some of the stuff that I've gone to, yeah, and like done that crazy, like body work.
Speaker 1:Then, when I get hit with a trigger, yeah, yeah, I love that second technique said, then I call it, name it to tame it. Oh, that's the emotion comes up like well, the time man, just bacon. The logical brain, competitiveness drive, be how we focus, singular focus, all this and they don't dive into the fendon like the right side of the brain, where all this other emotion comes up. So as soon as you can link the two, like you can make sense that this emotions coming up, you become more emotionally intelligent in the way. So as soon as it comes up, you're aware of the emotions, you reassure your brain that you're not gonna die. There's when this stuff comes up, your brain thinks I'm gonna die. It literally that like yeah, yeah, like an ancestry brain, like there is a bear chasing me, yeah. And when you can reassure yourself, be like actually I'm safe, it's not life threatening, it's just ego threatening, it's just my ego, it's okay, calm down and you can actually relax.
Speaker 1:And the point on triggers as well. I was. I was in the supermarket, in the car park, and then I saw this red car come in and instantly I felt so much anxiety, my body and Fear and walking on eggshells. All this emotion came up and I had no idea where it was from. It was unconscious and that rent car used to be the car for my boss about 10 years ago and every time he came to the office in his little red car. Everyone walk on eggshells and everyone get anxiety. I didn't even realize at the time why I was feeling that way. I just felt these emotions in my body and then I realized it's because that red car pulled in and I used to feel anxiety 10 years ago when the boss pulled into the car park of work, and that's how triggers work.
Speaker 1:A lot of time you don't consciously know what's happening. You unconsciously feel it and then you have to name it to tame it right. You have to name your emotion. I Love that. Yeah, I'm sick. You got me others like that. Maybe it's a bit. Yeah, I think I was heads right away. That is absolutely pure.
Speaker 1:I think this podcast like I'm so much in the program like different things yeah, I know right. Yeah, cuz you guys have been a hectic program yeah, so the biggest thing is removing friction from couples actually doing the work. Like I said before, there's such a big step. Zero to one is convincing my partner go see a therapist. That takes a lot of other ability. Maybe he's already, maybe she's not ready, but when you can actually learn the skills yourself, like it's designed for one person to go through it and do the work themselves and then implement those changes into the relationship.
Speaker 1:Because humans work by action, right by displaying actions. They need some convincing through action. That's working rather than command. So humans learn for it through doing and through watching rather than actually direct command. So when you can implement these skills into the relationship, then you start to motivate your partner and then you become great. Rather than that massive first step that keeps so many couples stuck.
Speaker 1:That's so good, because that really like Hits the objection point of people like well, if I'm doing all this work, like my partner should be doing it too. Do you hit with that sometimes? Oh, then how come they're doing it? How come I have to be the one that does all this? It's a constant reminder that you're a team. Every time people are always trying to escape this, like this individuality, and then everyone's trying to get back to individuality. That it's like you are a team. Are you willing to work through it together?
Speaker 1:Because when you love someone, you can't just love the best things about them, you have to love the worst things about them. That's the whole package, right? That's why people jump from relationship to relationship. Oh, my partner got insecure about this. Like, oh, I can't deal with that. It's like can you love them for all of it rather than just what you want to love them for? And become more leading sometimes? Yeah, absolutely Like, can I be first, can I be the first person to reach out and actually make this change, rather than waiting for my partner to console me? Even the women, like if there's women listening to this, then you get to go first as well. You get to lead the relationship in some aspects, especially with doing the work, and you can help your man so much with that through actually learning the skills. Like what's going on in the man's head? What's going on in my head? How can I fully understand myself? What's the relationship roadmap we're on? Where are we at on our journey so much? I guess I'm cool to talk about that. Yeah, so like.
Speaker 1:One thing that I've worked a lot with with men is purpose. It's one of the main things that we focus on is the more stuff comes down to is like feeling purpose. Feel purpose and they can understand the person and they can rationally and logically understand it and they fight for it. But there's things that activate people's purposes. We've got one of these frameworks called purpose beauty dainter, one of the things that we understand is like they all contribute to purpose and unless they're like, balanced and they're off, then you shoot yourself in the foot somewhere.
Speaker 1:Beauty, big meaning, relationships, daydreaming, thrill and adrenaline, and purpose meaning, essentially, what high mark is it climbing? But what happens in a large percent of men is they require the woman to activate them, to activate their purpose. Wow, yeah, oh, they don't have a reason why so, and it makes it really difficult for them to take the first step, which actually takes her to take the first step. So like if any women listening to this, or even guys who might be sending it to their partner, like activate me, you know what I mean? That's me, I mean my mind. Yeah, it's like if any women listening to this, if they're listening to this, like go jump on Charlie's program, especially if you're the person who wants to partner, like this is the big, he's got all the steps that you need to jump off to that.
Speaker 1:But the thing is is when she does start taking action and she does start doing the things and she does showing up with emotional stuff, and she just keeps up for a little while like yeah, he's still, he's a little bit shitty because he's got all this resentment from the past. But when she doesn't, she leans and she can hold that. He immediately is like, oh, they're all back Because he wants love. Yeah, he wants connection. Right, all of that we all do what's going on, right, we want it. Yeah, I'd say more so. Yeah, I'd say, like you're around that when your girlfriend starts growing, you're like, fuck, I better grow as well. Yeah, literally, oh, I'm gonna lose my god damn. Especially if she's like not doing it in a toxic way, but a healthy way, by working on herself and showing that she's committed and dedicated.
Speaker 1:And if he can feel that safety which a lot of the guys would never admit that like, oh, we need to feel safe. Like I didn't even realize that I needed to feel safe in a relationship until, like the last couple of years. No, I can. Oh, yeah, no, I need to feel safe and shit. Yeah, so a big self-worth piece for men wanting to work on themselves. Like a lot of men love their girlfriend more than they love themselves. Oh, yeah, all the time. Oh, my god, tell me that is fine. Yeah, like I love you more than myself. Like I would take anything for you, I would do anything for you. It's like cool, can you actually work on yourself in this relationship? Like I'll actually yeah, something I'll do, yeah, there's Men would walk through fire for their girlfriend. It's like can you also work on yourself for your girlfriend? Yeah, so true, yeah, for your girlfriend. That's the whole reason, which is where, like some of it, ultimately you right it just bounces back. It's so reciprocal when you work on the relationship, you also work on yourself so much, yeah, and it gets to be really good. So what do you think then Because I'm actually I've been thinking about this topic through the back of my mind, this whole podcast it's just like, for you, what do you think are, like the either the main responsibilities or differences that happen between, like, men and women, and then what are the symptoms that happen when they die?
Speaker 1:It's, it varies a lot for men and women, and men are generally more wired for the masculine of drive and achievement than this, and then women naturally want to be more nurturing and receptive and mothering. So a lot of the time, there's energy from the front and there's energy from the back. Men are often outward energy and they want to achieve, they want to drive, they want to go forward, and women are so great at keeping the family together, keeping the relationship together and nurturing so much and there's that receptiveness so the both works so well together. There's that polarity right when the man's driving and achieving and he can also come back to that secure base of being nurtured by his girlfriend and the girl friend as well. She gets to go out and achieve and come back to that place as well. So I feel like when you're striving for that divine masculine and the divine feminine, that you encapsulate all of it and you get to work in your strengths. So when you realize, like men are different, oh, he really wants to go out and achieve, he wants to do this, he wants to do that. By me blocking that it's making him less and less, it's making him less happy, meaning the relationship suffers for that. So cool, what are my strengths and what are your strengths?
Speaker 1:A lot of women try and find strength in being the man, like if I'm strong, they act masculine rather than seeing the strength in the feminine and holding that together. So how did you like work through that Of just both of us seeing our own power? Oh, like me, I see so much of a room power in she's, like I want to be a mom. I love nurturing, I love when there's mushrooms outside. She's like, oh, the fairy god, like she's little girl feminine energy and that. And she's like I see my power in that. I've realized before if I wanted to feel powerful and successful, I acted like a man. I want to build this big business. I wanted to do this and she's like I've actually realized the power in being a woman, the power in being the feminine and loving that.
Speaker 1:So she really stands for like she posts so much great content around how women can be powerful in their feminine rather than trying to be a man. Oh my God, that is so good. Holy hell, yes, so many women try and get the power from being a man. Oh, wow, that is crazy Cause I and for you, has that been like so much more terminal? Yeah, absolutely Like seeing a girl feeling so safe that she can be like the little girl energy around you.
Speaker 1:It's like, oh, wow, she must feel so safe because so many women hold that masculine shield Right. It's like I need to protect myself and that causes so much problem in the relationship. So many men want this woman who can soften, this receptive woman. But you need to actually lead, you need to make her feel safe. She will never soften unless you make her feel safe. So it's such a compliment when the feminine feels safe in a feminine so she can actually express herself, she can be that little girl around you. Wow. So they didn't do this, isn't it? And they're like okay, my partner, mad Masculine Shield, it's up. She does not feel safe to be feminine around me. She likes double the masculine stuff.
Speaker 1:The only tips for them, for they can do to help like, soften, dissolve that shield yeah, so carrying the load and sharing the load so that woman, she's over masculine, she feels like she's holding a lot, she has to do a lot, she has a lot of tension. She's probably not in her body, she's probably not orgasmed in the months. It's like you need to actually share the load with her of, like, what's happening in her life, unpack things, relationship check-ins again. Everything comes back to that. That is the foundation, the backbone of your relationship. It's like what's going on? What are your goals this week and how can I support you in that? How can I make your days a little easier or better?
Speaker 1:And slowly, over time, she starts unpacking this load she's got, even if it's just in her brain of all this stress. It's like can the man take on that stress? Because of the stress being shared? It's like it dissipates a lot of time. So that's the biggest thing. Like how can I carry the load for my girlfriend rather than carrying the load herself, and being in her head rather than being in her body? Oh my God, that makes I'm having like so many moments right now.
Speaker 1:I don't even know what to say because so many thoughts are in my brain Like that makes so much sense as to like beforehand. There's like so much justification. It's like why men didn't do work. Because it's like, well, if you're not doing the work, you never be able to carry as much load. But then they get. It's like a. It's a paradox Cause. It's like well, if I do take time for myself, then I can't hold on to the little drabs of what I'm currently doing. That's anybody. There's so much more I also had how do you talk about that? You want to put it there? I just have another point If you have anything to say on that and put it back in Cause like I had a. I was just so fascinating.
Speaker 1:I was talking to a female coach that was sending me. She's like a women's community teaching women stuff. I was like, why? What is the main thing that all like your women are coming reaching out to you for? And she was like, well, one of the. I was like what's happening, like in the relationship, what's like some of the main problems that happened? She was like, well, most of the time, women are having sex with their men and the guys are doing such a shit job that they got to finish themselves off in the shower afterwards. Wow, and that's most of the women that I work with and they want to have better connection with their parents. That's crazy. And she's works with hundreds over.
Speaker 1:It's such a downstream problem when you stop having sex. It's like that's what it all needs to do. A lot of time, just no intimacy. You become roommates, you're sleeping in the same bed together. No connection there. And it's those upstream problems, right? Everything that happened before that's causing that. You can't have sex when you're so stressed out about business and finance and you're holding on to anger from an argument that happened three weeks ago and you're not sure if he's cheating on you. Like how are you supposed to have sex when that's going on? Exactly so, like what do you think are some strategies, then, that people can use to increase intimacy, like through conversation, so no one would come down to like relationship chicken or some things that people could say like re-insure, to increase that intimacy that could, yeah, just clearing up all the shit, everything that's under the rug, because people sweet things under the rug until eventually there's a fucking monster under that rug and it's coming out to ruin your relationship.
Speaker 1:It is scary. So bring up all the shit. If you're a guy, bring up everything that's going on for you, because there's things that you haven't said in your relationship that needs to be said, and because you're not saying those things, you're not having sex with your partner and you don't have sex with your partner. So you go watch porn and you go watch porn and you no longer turn on by your partner and it's just a downward spiral, more and more addicted to porn, and you start getting sneaky about it. When she leaves the house, you go and watch porn in the bathroom or whatever it's like. You need to open up about what's going on in your head. So there's a root in your relationship downstream. Yeah, and that's scary. Find your purpose as well, like the work you do. Yeah, it's so true, I think a lot of it, though, like one of the main things is like it's scary right For people listening to this, even on this, because I'm like, yeah, that was me, I was the guy that was on the side to be on my phone for the whole time.
Speaker 1:You know. There's like no, I'm single right what I do, that, rather than this she's angry at like a hundred other things, like beforehand, I'm being that person that played all this like archetypes. Have you listening? It was like the main thing is just so fucking scary. I'm like, just so scared. Like for me, it was just like, mainly using my certain details, it was just like I don't want to put my heart out there to be squashed. Like fuck that. So scary, yeah, so it's like what are some things and some tips that I'm gonna? I'm seeing that other people are listening because I'm like you know I've had very common problems, so like I'm like majority of people, it could probably resonate, at least in some things, that the advice you give to people is they are scared. There's like what things I can say, ask for? Is there any like examples that you're working with people you have in your relationship which they will move through some of that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it all comes down to baby steps, right? Yeah, how do you need an elephant? One by at a time? So it's those tiny things. And first step is being honest to yourself. What are you scared of? What's coming up? What's the last thing you want your girlfriend to know about you? What are all these things? So spend time on your own, meditate every day. Go for a walk in nature without your phone, feel what comes up, journal out your thoughts, because if you try and communicate to your girlfriend and you don't even know what's going on in your head yet, like, how's your girlfriend going to receive that You're going to say things you don't mean she's going to react. You're going to be like oh no, I didn't mean that though. That's what you said, though, and it's all this back and forth. So actually spend time on your own, figure out your thoughts, figure out what's real and what's fake, and then actually communicate that with your girlfriend through baby steps, right, like, oh, I was meditating, this thing actually came up. And when you do that, you realize, oh, my girlfriend actually can't hold me and she wants to hold me rather than feeling shame of if I look weak, then she'll find me un-tractive. Well, you're already not having sex. You might as well tell her. Oh yeah, it goes both ways.
Speaker 1:I had like the best tick Sorry, coin thrown, or the one right here. It was like the best text message ever felt so good. It was like one thing where it was just like I hadn't reshared one of her stories in the morning as you put up and it's just good, busy and stuff right. And she was like hey, can you please reassure me for like that You're not sharing any of your stories but any like toxic reason. He's like I know it sounds silly, but I just didn't hear it. I was like that's the best fucking text message ever. Of course I'm sharing a story right now. Like, oh my God, like I'm so happy that I get to like make you feel better by you being vulnerable about that. I was like that's one of the best messages that I've like ever received from you. And I was like thank you for sending that message because that makes me feel like wanted and needed. And yeah, I can support that because if you were ever going through anything like that, I would love to hold that to you, and a lot of people are so in a way like you'd have no idea, unless Chloe actually told you that men and women are so complicated.
Speaker 1:Expecting your girlfriend or boyfriend to know how to love you is like trying to build a rocket ship without an instruction manual. Right? You need to actually tell them. Teach them how to love you best, otherwise they're just gonna be pissed in the wind. They're not gonna know how to actually love you and they're gonna get. They're gonna get so wrong. So you need to actually teach your real friend or boyfriend how to love you. I reckon that is one of the main things that can help people get on and be in skin of shit and the shit.
Speaker 1:Because that question you said activated me big time and you said like what is the things that you know about yourself that you don't when you're a partner to know about you? It's like when you know that about, like when your partner does eventually know those things and like baby steps is to get to get them and they do, it's like the most free thing ever. Yeah, as soon as they know, it's like, oh, all this weight I was carrying Sometimes it's unconscious weight, but I didn't know I was carrying that until I dropped it, and now I just feel so free. You feel this neurological change in your body where there's like vibrations go, non-spinal, called you like, oh, wow, I finally let go of that thing. And a lot of times people don't know they're holding on to it.
Speaker 1:So, being honest with your girlfriend first, being honest with yourself like what am I? Shaped a lot. What's the last thing I want people to know about me? What's the last thing my girlfriend, I want my girlfriend to know about me? It's like sometimes like, oh, I slept with five girls in a week. It's like, oh fuck, I don't want my girlfriend to know that. And sometimes you're holding on to that thing. You're like, oh, you just need to let go of it. That's not me, moe. So it's all about baby steps, fire, doing little things, first opening up, being honest to yourself, and then you can actually be honest to your girlfriend. Yeah, crazy.
Speaker 1:Which is one thing that from my perspective but you work with all the other guys is it's like, unless you have a really like already like amazing relationship, and even still, my regardless as a guy, take your shit and your problems to your guys first. If you haven't got good guys around, you go get some more. Like that's simple. Like if you're a friendship group, you can't talk about how these crazy conversations and like bounce back and forth, sort of like you are you and I are right now, then go get some new friends. Doesn't have to let go of old friends, just get something you want to can go and take that stuff too, because sometimes it's so heavy and you need like the guys to like help you out and like work through it. Because if you try to take it to your partner, you just emotionally dumping on her. It can be like really unattractive. Sometimes Me and Chloe have some of our best breaks. We've been at each other and we've both been like I don't get to talk to that, yeah, some of the guys. She's like I'm gonna hang out with the girls after me and we come back and like the best conversation. Like you, dude, I love you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, having people around you where you can talk out your thoughts, because sometimes they don't make sense in your head. Like why am I feeling this way? Am I crazy? What's? Why is this coming up for me? Does this mean the relationship's broken? You can go into panic mode a lot of time. People spiral over thinking to this math tangent, but one conversation with one of your boys, it's like, actually it's come up for him as well. It's totally normal, actually I'm not crazy, like, oh cool, this is why I came up. Oh, this is how to work through it as well. So having those friends around you where you can bounce off and be like I'm not crazy, other people go through this shit as well and then eventually you can take that to your girlfriend and after you work through it, yeah, especially to get rid of some of the ick first, because for me I don't know like a lot of traumas and triggers. So sometimes I like to talk to like one of my mates and they're really, when they call you forward, in a way where it's like no, bro, this is a shit that you gotta own.
Speaker 1:If you say that, like she's the client, like run that, because that's like crossing code boundaries and projecting them Like whatever shit I've used. So I'd really have a word like that and I was like, yeah, I was going to do the other way. I was stepping it all that way. I wish you were a Yassma. Someone reached out to me this morning and they're like my partner saw her dating up on my phone and she went nuts and she's super insecure about it. Like I wish she wasn't so insecure. Like the app isn't even activated, it's just there. And like, why is she so insecure? I shouldn't have to feel this way. It's like, nah, you're going to take that shit. Like you're going out with someone. Maybe they have trust issues. Can you love their whole and the whole package that comes along with that and put yourself in their shoes?
Speaker 1:So perceptual position is a great technique. So that's another one. It's where you put yourself in their shoes and feel what they're feeling, feeling to their past, what they come from. Why would they be acting like this and what reassurance do they need right now? Perceptual again, those perceptual positions. Perceptual positions. If I'm not mistaken, yeah, the dumb down word is put yourself in their shoes. Yeah, I still like the terminology Sounds fancy there. Yeah, I like it. Yeah, so put yourself in those shoes. Like what do they need?
Speaker 1:If you were in their shoes and you found your partner with the dating app on your phone, how would you react? Like, oh, actually, yeah, I can see that. So it's like yeah, you need to sort out my shit. Like you cannot have a dating app on your phone if your partners feel like that. Yeah, I love that. I feel like that's kind of like, why is it actually taking action on respect? Because, if you like, a lot of us are annoying, because I had that exact same thing happen. Immediately I was like, oh God, so sorry. This is here for a visitor and I understand, from like person to like, what you said.
Speaker 1:I think it was a powerful loving them anyway. Like, oh, I love you, even if you're insecure about these things, because I can provide it. I'll listen to you or talk to you or reassort you 100 times for a couple of weeks, even if that's needed, to let you know that you're safe. Like you can go through my son and you can do the things whatever you need to do to help you process. Yeah, so that you can get back to just wanting me as best as you can, because I like being loved this way, as you said, which is like teaching someone.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and there's so much like, there's so much communication that is non-verbal. Like, when you wake up in the morning, what's the first thing that you do? Do you check your phone, or do you say good morning to your partner? Or what about how many girls you're following on Instagram. What does that say to your partner? So like all this stuff, right? So unfollow all these girls. Like, if you are committed to this girl, unfollow all the girls on social media that you used to follow, that you maybe used to talk to in the past, or whatever. Any photos of Xs that you've come a role. Just delete them. It's like, why are you holding onto that imaginary past where you can actually step into the future of this girl that you love so much? So, I guess, so much by it?
Speaker 1:Like, because that's one thing, like unconsciously, everyone going through and like I really appreciate that it was really good. It's like reaffirming, it's like doing all the followers, doing everything else and even still, even when I was single, I was like I only want to follow unless they're like really inspirational in business or something like that, or like motivation isn't really inspirational, I'm only going to follow like a don't discriminate between like men or women who are following. If they're inspirational and they help me, I'm going to follow them. Yeah, then anyone else? As a woman, if I was following them, it was for the sole reason of like I want to wife this shit, and this is like a potential person who I can like wife. So I've followed Like the stories and start that. Start the sales process. Get on the top of the panel. Get on the top of the panel. Yeah, I want to go in the picture.
Speaker 1:That's what happened with me and I. She was working for a marketing agency and then I was seeing her ads on Instagram Heaps of ads coming up and I just watched them over and over again. They kept coming up on my feed. I was like I'm coming up for a reason and that's really hot. Like I put her in the pretty girl category, but she's also talking about scaling businesses to 203 and it came out to the fuck as hot. I found the page. I didn't follow her yet, I was just watching her stories for like two weeks just to see what type of person she was, because if she was going out and getting pissed every weekend, like obviously that's not my person, but then she was showing like these good habits and stuff like cool, little follow, little like on the story, like to slowly warm up to it. Yeah, I love that. That's like pretty much exactly what happened with Chloe and I as well. Yeah, similar story. Start moving closer and closer together. Yeah, so I got sent a few messages and then she left me a read and then she sent me some messages. I was like, finally, you're in red. She messaged me in my games. It was really a tiff and tap, but it worked, yeah. Then Tommy worked out perfectly and the rest of this is very, and the rest of the girl made history. That's it.
Speaker 1:What else is like? Because one of the main things that we talked about beforehand was the problem of because I really loved it the zero to one. I love like that and I love how, like most of the people that are reaching out was like one person music predominantly women being like how can I make this relationship, yeah, good, because I really want to fucking leave here. So, that being one, some of the other 20% problems that you find of like why people come to you Like what are some of the other ones that maybe we haven't touched on just yet?
Speaker 1:Trust issues oh, the like huge one, the massive one, just overthinking all the time. Whenever she goes out with the girls, he overthinks like there's going to be boys there. Whenever he follows someone else on social media, oh, my God, my heart drops into a stomach. Why are you doing this? So trust issues is a massive thing when you don't feel secure with yourself.
Speaker 1:I find the person with the lowest self-worth in a relationship will experience the most jealousy in that relationship. So a lot of time it is a self-worth thing and a lot of time your partner does need to change what he's doing to make you feel more reassured and you need to actually tell him that, because sometimes he's doing things that he doesn't know is wrong. He thinks this is so okay Because he had a different value system. He has different standards, he has different beliefs. So what he's doing he doesn't think is wrong, but from your point it's so wrong and it makes you feel insecure. It's your responsibility to tell him. It's not their responsibility to know. So trust issues is a massive piece that comes up and a lot of time it's self-worth issues and it's actually communicating what makes you feel insecure.
Speaker 1:Oh, yeah, back to the scariest guy again. Yeah, oh, I love that Baby step on the scariest guy, scariest guy. Let's give her a scariest guy. I'm not laughing about that. Give these tongue twisters out again, but there is a. So essentially it's like where do you think trust issues come from? Because what I think would be like well, previously it would have been so much hurt before.
Speaker 1:So there is a lot of With attachment styles. There is a study that you're born with them and, yes, they can change a little bit. There's a study called the strange situation test, where they've got different babies into a room and see how they react. So they went into a room with them and then their mum was instructed to leave the room and how the baby reacted determined their attachment style. And the anxious attachment was crawling at the wall like really, really angry that mum left and when the mum comes back in it wouldn't leave. It was just attached to the mum they're securely attached, got a little bit upset but it was okay, emotionally regulating itself. And then the avoidant didn't notice the mum leave, didn't notice the mum come back.
Speaker 1:And I say this because a lot of the time avoiding people don't feel those trust issues because they know so much that they'll be okay if they broke up. They keep their distance right, they don't want to be smothered in their relationship. And then secure people know oh no, I can regulate myself and I can ask for what I want. But then the anxious people often the ones are insecure and they get jealous. And then the ones that leave that reassurance the most right. So they look at every little action, make it mean a hundred different things in their relationship and they don't bring it up because they're scared of confrontation In case it leads to a tough conversation, in case it leads to a breakup. Then I'll be alone, then I'll never be loved again. You'll find someone else, like they go down the cycle of overthinking If you're not anxiously attached. That's the cycle that can go on in the brain. Click that shit, put that as some short form content. That was why I would get this short form. That was so good I, I was so funny. My brain was just going like now our conscious, like relationships pick up, going on like Tina and Hind in this stuff.
Speaker 1:First question had it used to react to your mom and your baby? Hahaha, like what do you think I'm gonna understand that? Actually, it's actually a real weird. Well, who do I want? Everyone's just going for secure people. They're so rich. Hahaha, that's really fine to secure person. It's to be a secure person. Oh, so true, because if I don't want, it is like I'm just people attract, avoiding people. On the opposite way around with the avoidant, I feel like they love being needed. They want to know that they partner once them or they want to partner. It's like a superiority thing. I love that. That's a good question, interesting. I go between both of them. Sometimes I'm really attached and sometimes I avoid it. That's interesting. I thought it was actually more attached, but I think that competition through some traumas just thinking right now, I probably think I'd be more avoided. Now I think of that because I like that. That's like a, a long time.
Speaker 1:If you're anxious, attached, avoidant behaviors can just be protest behaviors, like you could be doing those things, acting avoidant when you're actually attached, you're actually anxious oh, that's cool, and you're doing that to regain connection with your partner. For example, you could be anxious, attached. Your partner could go out with the boys and leave you alone and you want reassurance. You're like fine, I'll go out with the girls Again, I'll try and make him jealous, when you're actually All you want is connection with your partner and reassurance, but you're going around this roundabout to try and get it rather than being honest with your partner. As you said before, that's probably the key thing that you were saying is my highlights that I got from this conversation is definitely people going around the thing when they're just speaking to it Like, hey, just letting you know you're going out with the mesonauts make me feel a little bit insecure. I just love some reassurance that they're not going to let me in and think, sweet, then I'll be good. Yeah, teaching your partner that's boundaries, right.
Speaker 1:Me and I have a rule where whenever we leave the house, we let the other person know where we're going. It's more of a safety thing. If me is out of the house and I don't know where she is, my brain goes to she's in danger and that makes me feel like shit. I'm worried all the time. I can't focus on anything else. So we have such a rule where whenever we leave the house, we let the other person know where it is From an outside perspective. A lot of time people say, oh, that's controlling, always keeping the tab on your partner. There's like no, that makes me feel secure and I'm going to express that because all I'm doing is wanting to make sure she's safe, like that's my number one priority. So it's like I'm going to communicate that so I don't feel like shit when she leaves the house. I understand, especially as a guy, if I've left and I haven't told my partner where I'm going, I still feel a little bit. Anyway, if I go and tell her, I still feel like, am I being a dick? Right now, for some reason Sort of comes up.
Speaker 1:Yeah, a lot of people feel contempt in their relationship. Like it builds up to a point of contempt where they want to get one over on their partner. Yeah, they feel like they're better than their partner, their partner's, below them, so when they leave the house and don't tell them, they sort of like that thing. There's like an evil side of them that they want their partner to worry. They want their partner to feel insecure and it's such a toxic behavior that's it. That's like manipulate, evil, magic and type shit. Yeah, like a dark feminine manipulative. Oh yeah, that was me for a while. Yeah, that works with a lot of that shit. Like I want my partner to feel insecure so that they give me more attention, so that I love Dude.
Speaker 1:Literally one of the reasons why I like I find that I have some really awesome skills in coaching is because in relationships for me and also scared of someone cheating me, chitchat so many times was I become so manipulative. I can manipulate like that so well, now, like all the skills and all the stuff. And then it was like I'm gonna have to go for a while. Yeah, so like I don't manipulate, and instead it's all positive because now I've made the brain connections. Yeah, it's like you can learn all the skills to avoid working through your own shit. Oh man, but you get to a point where, like okay, absolutely, and he's worked for me.
Speaker 1:All your fucked, like literally. Otherwise, it's like like you literally fucked all your life alone. Yeah, you know, work through your share in a relationship you'll just like your partner will reveal the parts of you that you don't love by yourself, and these shadows will always chase you unless you actually face them in the next relationship. And I feel like even in the relationship, it's like. It's like you don't, like you don't end up in another relationship and that isn't even your goal is like all the shadows and shit that you got from one relationship is going to show business, career, a shop and everything else, and I just leaked through everything. And then you want, like I feel like our souls know where we're at. We'll always want to get better and unless we serve it and we just show our own shit under the rug and become bitter, angry, fat, sloppy. People are just born to punish ourselves, and it's not a stupid reason, it's, but I just said share my backpack.
Speaker 1:Yeah, isn't that crazy that every single human wants to be better, they want to do better, they want to be happy, they want to love and be loved. That's just piles of shit on top of it insecurities, and all these limits and beliefs and past traumas and triggers that fuck us up so much. So like people need to do the work to get back to that point where they're honest, they're vulnerable, they're open to the world, they're transparent and they can actually grow in their life rather than living from it and see it Rather than living from insecurity, because so many people create from a point of insecurity rather than place of abundance and joy and wanting to create this. It was lives, a buildup of avoiding the triggers and wanting to feel enough. Yeah, I'd like, if I do this thing, I'll be safe, instead of just doing the same thing or asking for 100%. It's not round about saying all the time I'm just coming to the name of it Influential communication maybe I think that was cool, something like that. Yeah, I think so. When you don't direct, like there's direct communication and there's inferential communication when you're not actually telling them what you want. You're trying to manipulate them in the way that you get what you want. Yeah, which is actually like I'm saying feminine, directly speaking to the thing.
Speaker 1:Well, charlie, where can people find you and how can they get onto your program to learn all this crazy shit? Yeah, so Instagram's the best place, charlie and the coach. Just follow me there, and we also have a YouTube channel called Mia and Charlie. I'd say Instagram's the best place. And then, yeah, conflict Coat launches on the 11th of January, which, by the time this is out, it's probably out by now. So, yeah, super excited, conflict Coat. You go find Charlie at Charlie Olwin's coach on Instagram. You find there. Everything's linked below, yeah, as well. So, everyone, thank you so much for listening and Charlie, thanks for coming on. Thanks for that, thank you.